It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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