I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
