Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
