He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
