I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
