sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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