I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
