Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
