Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
