Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
