I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
