i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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