So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
