the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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