My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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