this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
