I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
