I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
