Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
