she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
