I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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