Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
