On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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