if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
