I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
