Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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