***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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