I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
