I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
