I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
