Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
