i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
