I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
