your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
