If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
