what day is it and did you see me today?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
