I faked an abortion last night.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
