Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
