Kiss
Puke
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
