Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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