I wish I could teleport
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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