I swear god or herbie drove my car home
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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