For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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