I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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