i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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