happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
