I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
