I think my fart just growled at me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
