saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
