The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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