did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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