I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
