watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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