I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
